Producer / Host / Writer / Marty
1901. While attending the Pan-American
Exposition in Buffalo, New York, President William McKinley
was shot and mortally wounded by Leon Czolgosz. 59 years
later, Marty Shields was born.
The Shields family, vaudeville performers of dubious genetic stock, raised their naive son to believe he was the spawn of the neighbor's goat and a small jar of pineapple preserves that had sat untouched in a cabinet for years.
Marty's first taste for the stage occurred when his family entered him in the Idaho State Fair Little Missy Miss Junior Spud Pageant. He took second runner-up thanks to a genre-bending and gender-bending solo performance of "Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf" (Marty still claims he would've gotten Elizabeth Taylor's role of Martha in the film version if not for studio politics and "that queen Richard Burton"). He was flown to Los Angeles to give a command performance before Johnny Carson's Tonight Show audience. However, young Marty wasn't prepared for the crowd's roaring laughter at the sight of this pineapple-goat boy dressed up like a drunken middle-aged woman. Marty fled the studio in shame. He never saw his family, or Johnny Carson, again.
The next years are clouded in cloudiness. Marty wandered the lonely highways of the Pacific Coast. He recalls being taken in by a judo master. He toured with Queensryche. And he has vague memory of Navy SEAL training with the New Mickey Mouse Club cast members, during which he claims to have had a platonic BDSM relationship with Lisa Welchel.
Eventually Marty landed a campus security job at Mt San Antonio College. Allowed to attend classes for free, he was soon studying hair styling, industrial welding, and postmodernist synchrocyclotron engineering.
Upon graduating with his AA, Marty sold a kidney and used the money to travel the famous brothels of Europe. While having a particularly religious experience in an East German "Entwürdigen Sie Haus" Marty got the first inklings of what would eventually become his grand design for world domination via his own cable access show: "Lord Potty Mouth Marty In The Land Around The Corner From The land Of Sticky-Wicky Wizards And Jolly-Golly Goblins." He quickly returned to the States using a forged passport, settled into a suspiciously quiet suburb and, following several bloody events still under federal investigation, Marty was given his own television show and a corral of the finest unpaid comedy writers Hacienda Heights has ever seen. To save money on signage the show's name was shortened to "Marty's Corner."
Marty Shields is a Pisces. He likes to leave the light on. Though not officially sanctioned by California Independent Ninjas Defending You (CINDY), Marty is still widely considered to be, pound for pound, one of the top 300 bad-ass warriors in the San Gabriel Valley. When not hosting his own show he can be found fighting crime or at the Puente Hills Mall, where he gets senior citizen discounts at Hot Dog On A Stick.
